I have demons in me.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
