The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
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He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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