I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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