words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
