She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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