So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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