So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Send help, water and tortillas.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
