when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
