careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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