so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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