when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize