fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
