The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
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And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
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I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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