So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
