Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
