3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
