please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
