I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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