I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
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it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
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He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.