I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.