I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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