This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
