He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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