and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
