I'm so fucking centered right now
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
