the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
