one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you had me at cake vodka
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
