apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
