I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
