Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
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Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
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I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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