Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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