my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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