My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
