So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I skipped work to stalk him.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm getting married
To pizza
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
