You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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