Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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