just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
