I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
