its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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