Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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