I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
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I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
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she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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