your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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