There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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