I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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