i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
