I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
