That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
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Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
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Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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