oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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