The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
