after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
