Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
