I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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