my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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