can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
