mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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