If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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