so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
