That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
